This Friday, Netflix releases the third season of the hugely popular (and often binged) show “House of Cards.” Since it will be tempting to attempt to watch the entire season in this first weekend, we thought it would be best to provide some tips to give you the best chance of not being spoiled by someone in your office on Monday morning:
1. Make sure you have plenty of supplies to last the weekend. Suggestions include at least one bottle of Southern Comfort and this recipe for bona fide southern ribs that even Freddy would be proud to serve. Place them in the oven first thing on Saturday morning and they should be ready by the time you reach episode 5.
2. Avoid muscle atrophy from extended viewing sessions by exercising. Try dressing all in black and running through your neighborhood in the middle of the night with a Secret Service escort. The local police will do in a pinch.
3. Remember: you are only allowed to talk during the show if you break the 4th wall.
4. Make sure to have plenty of bandages on hand. There will be knuckle damage caused by your desire to knock on everything in your home as you enter or leave a room. Large class rings can also help mitigate this issue.
5. Avoid unnecessary trips off the couch by forcing others to do your dirty work. Use whip skills if necessary to motivate others.
6. Charge all of your mobile devices to allow for out-of-home viewing. This may be necessary if you have to attend a soccer game/birthday party/fundraising gala that does not take place in your living room.
7. Do not continue to watch episodes if your significant other falls asleep. This is a recipe for disaster and may lead to one or both of you spending next weekend with that photographer you met that one time who you totally thought you were over but can’t seem to forget about even though you know it’s wrong.
Things to avoid for successful viewing of Season 3: college reunions, Civil War battlefields, live television interviews, long car rides with people you may or may not be obsessed with and — of course — train platforms.
Follow these simple rules and you just may be the first person who spoils your friends on Facebook this time around!
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